I'm seriously rethinking my life. I have to hang on here with no stable ground. I'm a loner. I will always be. I don't want to have kids and a happy family anymore. Why is it so? Why this cruel choice? What else do I have? What a better option do I have? Love does not exist, or it exists but not in the way I want it. Since childhood I had a misconception about this thing called love. I never had the family i wanted, so i imagined that i will be able to offer more thins to my child. It's wrong. I will never be able. P. was right. Things remain the same during life, they have the same structure as they did during childhood, but only more complex. Things are easy in life. Just because I put myself to the trouble does not mean that I will solve the problems. I don't have anything to hang on. Nothing. Not now, not ever. Or even worse, I still have something now (even though i:m blinded by the pain) and i won't have anything in the future. No job, no love, no nothing. Not having a career scares me. What will i do all day, without a family?
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